The Dating Trend “Floodlighting”: When Vulnerability Becomes a Red Flag
Vulnerability is a crucial, albeit often uncomfortable, element in forging meaningful relationships. However, like many things, timing and intent are everything. This brings us to a growing concern in early-stage dating: floodlighting.
The term “floodlighting” has recently gained traction across various platforms, including Reddit and dating podcasts, being flagged as a problematic behavior. Have you ever been on a first date where, before the drinks even arrive, your companion unloads their entire life story—complete with past traumas, family issues, and unresolved therapy notes? If so, you’ve likely experienced floodlighting.
While it might seem like genuine openness, floodlighting is actually a defensive tactic disguised as vulnerability. Coined by research professor and bestselling author Brené Brown, floodlighting involves oversharing intensely personal information in a way that bypasses the natural process of building trust. Brown describes it as “vulnerability on steroids,” used not to deepen a connection, but to fast-track it. Essentially, it creates a superficial sense of depth while skipping the necessary steps for genuine intimacy.
In her book, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage, Brown explains that floodlighting can be a self-protective mechanism. We might floodlight, she suggests, out of fear, sharing too much information prematurely. This can lead to a reaction from the other person that confirms our existing fears, such as “See? No one cares about me.” Think of it as a form of emotional love bombing, where instead of overwhelming someone with affection, the floodlighter inundates them with unfiltered traumatic experiences.
Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Marisa T. Cohen notes that a floodlighter might engage in this behavior because they genuinely feel safe and want to establish a deep connection. Their intention could be as simple as, “I feel safe with you. I want to connect with you by sharing this important information about me and my past.”
However, the “why” behind floodlighting is critical. Sometimes, individuals use it to test whether a potential partner can “handle” their personal struggles or to gain control of the emotional dynamic early on. This can make it a form of subconscious manipulation, even if the person isn’t fully aware of their motives.
It’s important to differentiate between general openness and floodlighting. Not all oversharing is toxic; some people are naturally more transparent, or might nervously overtalk on a first date. Sharing about a tough week or a past relationship isn’t necessarily floodlighting. The red flag appears when the details are overly intense, unsolicited, and emotionally charged, making you feel as though you’re being cast in the role of their therapist.
While floodlighting may mimic authentic emotional intimacy, it’s a shortcut that prevents the development of true connection. Genuine closeness develops through shared experiences, mutual support, and trust that is gradually earned over time. When intimacy is forced, it creates an illusion of connection rather than a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.
The key takeaway is this: vulnerability is essential, but it must be mutual, measured, and earned. Real intimacy blossoms slowly, and embracing this gradual process is fundamental to building deep, meaningful connections.
